Ch 1
“Look, Sunny!” Klaus said from the front of the small ship. “I think I see land!”
My name is Carmelita Spats.
No! Don’t put down the book yet.
I’ve changed from when you readers have last heard of me. I swear!
“I see!” the young Baudelaire said, looking up from Beatrice’s bottle.
Now, I know I have a rather unpleasant reputation among you Lemony Snicket readers.
But that was the last series!
I swear, in the passing of the years, I’ve grown…differently. I’ve changed.
When Esmé Squalor died in the fire that destroyed Hotel Denumont in a grasping attempt to take the sugar bowl, I had no guardian. I still have no guardian.
And it’s taken me five years to actually begin changing, but don’t worry! I’m not my old self anymore.
“What did you say, Klaus?” Violet called from the very back of the boat, standing up from the rigging.
Don’t believe me? Fine, put this book down. But I’ll tell you two things.
First of all: if you put this book down, you’ll never know what happened to the Baudelaire orphans when they left the strange and mysterious island that they were stranded on in the last book (THE END).
“See that spot out there?” Klaus pointed at it. “It looks like land! I think we’ve made it!”
Second of all: I haven’t started any fires since Esmé died.
There. That should make you trust me.
“I do see it!” Violet said, her pale face brightening. “Quick, Klaus! Row faster!”
“You too, Violet!” Klaus said, laughing in disbelief and excitement.
And so the two rowing Baudelaires rowed faster, heading straight towards land. Beatrice Baudelaire looked out at the water, shining her not-so-toothy smile at it as Sunny Baudelaire tried to get her to drink her bottle.
Let me tell you a bit about the Baudelaires’ current condition.
The Baudelaires had taken off from the island three weeks before, and had encountered some strange mishaps, such as the following: pirates, piranhas, storms, small floods, a bit of starvation, a crying baby, a submarine wreck, sharks, sea lions, and a possible plane wreck. They had run out of food from the island simply the day before,and were starting to get hungry.
That’s one of the reasons that seeing land was such a good sign, though the Baudelaires didn’t know if it were simply an island, or if they had finally, after many days, reached the real world, where humans inhabited. Either way, land would be a good sign. They had washed up on a deserted island the previous week,and had stocked up on food and supplies while they were there.
The land was becoming clearer and clearer now, until Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Beatrice could make out cars moving along the shoreline. Finally, as they approached the shore, they could see that they had, indeed, washed up on the shores of Briny Beach, for the fourth time.
“Briny Beach,” Sunny said.
“Briny Beach,” Violet confirmed.
“Briny Beach,” Klaus said.
“Binnyboo,” Beatrice said, for she couldn’t quite talk yet.
And all of the Baudelaires knew it was so as they bumped up against the shore, reaching land. They had reached Briny Beach again, which was a constant starting point for their stories.
“Again,” Sunny said, being the first to jump off the boat and onto the land.
Violet and Klaus looked at each other as they stepped off the boat as well, Violet carrying Beatrice. They both knew, along with Sunny, that what was to come of the real world was unknown, and whether their series of unfortunate events would continue or not was also unknown.
They knew that they might not find more peace on land, in the real world. They knew that perhaps, they might meet their deaths there. They didn’t know what became of VFD But they also knew that things might look up for them. That all the bad luck might transfer to someone else, and they might be free.
I’m happy (and a bit sorry) to say that everything stated above is true. Their series of unfortunate events would continue. But their series of fortunate events would also continue.
Let me explain.
Statistics is a complicated thing. It often involves guessing, and often paperwork as well. But it is also, unfortunately, helpful. If I am playing poker and getting extremely unlucky cards, I can often assume that one of the other players is getting extremely lucky cards. And if I’m familiar with statistics, then likelihood is that soon I will be getting extremely lucky cards. But then, eventually, I will start getting a mix of lucky and unlucky cards. The odds will even out.
But statistics aren’t always correct. It is never entirely wrong, but it is also never fully right.
It took a few moments for the Baudelaires to realize what they had accomplished. They simply stood there silently, blinking at their surroundings.
Then, Klaus said, “We’re…home.”
The four Baudelaires looked at each other and grinned. They knew fully well that what Klaus said was true. That place was their home. No matter how cruel it was to them, home would always be home.
They all started laughing in relief and started running and dancing for joy. They splashed water at each other playfully and watched Beatrice crawl around in the sand. They were there for a couple hours, simply frolicking. The trolley passed them a couple of times, but the Baudelaires didn’t notice. I don’t think they were waiting for a trolley. They were simply waiting to stop. And then to move on.
And move on they did. For, after a couple of hours, the Baudelaires started to realize something. They were still orphans. And they had no guardian.
Pretty soon, Klaus brought this idea to the light. He stood up, facing his siblings, but still slaphappy from all the excitement. “Guys,” he said, “what are we going to do about our orphan-ness?”
Now, normally, Klaus would not use such a word as “orphan-ness,” but in the moment, such silly things such as real words didn’t matter.
Violet and Sunny regained themselves as well, standing up with Beatrice.
“No guardian,” Sunny pointed out.
“We don’t have a home to go home to,” Violet realized. None of them were smiling now.
“Truganny,” Beatrice said, which meant, “Should we go to the authorities?”
“No, Beatrice,” Violet said. “Last time we did that, it got us nothing but trouble. We should go in a different direction.”
“Yeah,” said Klaus, nodding. His expression showed that he had just thought of something. “Yeah… like finding some old friends?”
It took a moment for Beatrice, Violet, and Sunny to realize what he was saying.
“You think the Quagmires are still alive?” Violet asked.
“I’m sure of it,” Klaus said. “Quigley survived a fire once, and Duncan and Isadora are very resourceful. I’m sure the Great Unknown didn’t get them that one time. And Fiona was with them!”
“I suppose so,” Violet said.
“Something else since then?” Sunny asked.
“I doubt it,” Klaus said, beginning to pace. “Like I said, they’re very resourceful. And surely they survived after only one year. The world isn’t that cruel. I mean, we survived those few years, didn’t we?”
“I suppose so,” Violet repeated. “Yeah, I guess it’s worth a shot, looking for them. But where would we find them?”
Klaus stopped pacing and looked at them. “I know where.”
About half an hour later, they found themselves at the ruins of their very own house, all turned to ash.
“Why would the Quagmires be here, Klaus?” Violet asked, looking around sadly at their badly burnt house.
“Not here,” Klaus said, stepping forward into the ruins. He started walking rapidly through the ruins until he found what he was looking for.
He bent down. Violet, Sunny, and Beatrice stood behind him. He brushed some dust off the ground, revealing a door that the Baudelaires knew led to a secret underground passage that stretched to more burnt down places.
“Oh,” Violet said. “Now I get it! You’re right, the Quagmires would want to explore more! Especially Quigley. He would love to make a map of the city, involving the secret tunnels and passageways.”
“Yes!” Klaus said, lifting the lid to the entrance. “Exactly, Violet! And as a plus, the secret tunnels are great places to hide from the authorities, as long as we’re undergrown and orphans.”
The four children stepped down a ladder from the latch Klaus opened and delved into the darkness.
Ch 2
I’m sorry to say that the Baudelaires did not immediately find the quagmires, and that they would not find the Quagmires for quite some time. Those passageways were long and winding, and, I am sad to tell you that neither Duncan, Isadora, nor Quigley Quagmire were in those passageways when the Baudelaires searched them. They were above ground, and not anywhere near the Baudelaires. But the Baudelaires kept searching down there, feeling certain that the Quagmires were down there somewhere.
It was the third day of searching. The children' s tactic was to split up two by two and find a certain starting point to meet back up at. They all had pieces of chalk, so they could mark where they’d been and not mark where they hadn’t been.
By this point in time, the Baudelaires had revisited a lot of their past. Past guardians, past homes. Past memories, good and bad. And all of them had been burned to the ground.
It is at this point that I am going to point something out that I think is a very good fact. Sunny Baudelaire is very lucky. No matter how unlucky her life was, she was very lucky. Why? Because all of the most unfortunate events that happened to her, happened to her in her earliest stages of life, meaning that she probably has nearly no memory of them at all. Whereas Violet and Klaus, whose most unfortunate events happened in their late childhood, will probably remember them far better than Sunny.
At this exploration of the tunnels, Violet had gone with Sunny, and Klaus with Beatrice. They hadn’t found anything or anyone prominent.
And so, after a day of searching, Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Beatrice returned to the spot in which they always returned to in the evening.
“Find anything?” Violet asked Klaus.
“667 Dark Avenue, the Village of Fowl Devotees, and some place called Kingsley Management,” Klaus said. “How about you?”
“Hotel Denumont, the Spats Mansion, and Uncle Monty’s home,” Violet said, taking her chalk and marking off the names of places that they had written on the wall. To start off in the tunnels, they wrote out a list of places that they thought might be down there. Now, as Violet checked off six more names, there were no more left.
“There’s no more,” Sunny said.
“Horlemen,” Beatrice said, which meant “What are we going to do now?”
“I don’t know, Beatrice,” Klaus said. “It looks like they really aren’t down here.”
“Maybe we should check the whole place again,” Violet suggested.
“No,” Klaus said. “What’s the point in that? If we haven’t seen them already, they’re probably not down here.”
“Well,” Sunny said. “We should go up there then.”
After a bit of arguing, the Baudelaires agreed that up and above the underground tunnels would be the best place to be, at least for a little while. They would look for the Quagmires and perhaps a new guardian who wouldn’t die on them. But most of all, they would look for answers. None of them knew what had happened in the year and half that they were gone. Who was alive and who wasn’t.
After finding another entrance out of the tunnels, the Baudelaires stood, again, in the middle of the remnants of their house. They made their way out of the wreckage and waited for the trolley.
“Ok,” Violet said. “Here’s my plan.”
She pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down three things on it. “Ok, we’ll search these places for the Quagmires, and then, if we haven’t found them by then, then we’ll go to the authorities. Maybe find Mr. Poe again.”
None of the Baudelaires wanted to find Mr. Poe, but they knew that if they couldn’t find the Quagmires, then they had no choice but to go to him.
“Uncle Monty’s house,” Klaus read from the piece of paper. “Queequeg, underground tunnels, and Prufrock Prep. This is a good list. I’m sure Isadora, Duncan, and Quigley would be in one of those places!”
When the trolley finally arrived, the Baudelaires boarded it and headed off to Uncle Monty’s home. They found nothing there, except dust and some of Monty’s old books. And so they moved on, going to several different submarine sites, and still finding nothing, no sign of the Quagmires, and no sign of the possibly fixed/replaced Queequeg. And then you can probably guess what they found at Profrock Prep as well. Nothing. No triplets were hiding there.
And so, after they searched every possible place that the Quagmires could’ve been, the Baudelaires found themselves back at Briny Beach, it being the only place they felt safe talking altogether (beside the underground tunnels, but they didn’t like going in those).
“So,” Sunny said.
“We’ve searched everywhere,” Violet said. “Maybe the Quagmires really are dead.”
The thought didn’t appeal to the children. None of them wanted the triplets to be dead.
“Don’t say that,” Sunny said. “They’re alive. I know it.”
A pause.
“Well,” Klaus said. “I guess we have to go to the authorities now. That was the plan, wasn’t it?”
They all nodded.
And so, about two hours later, all four of the Baudelaires found themselves sitting in the sadly familiar office of Mr Arthur Poe, except that Mr Poe wasn’t there. Instead, a burly man wearing a blue suit sat at the desk labeled: PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF ORPHAN AFFAIRS.
“Who are you?” Sunny asked. “Where’s Mr Poe?”
“My name is Carlos Verdinnacì, but you can call me Mr. Verdinnacì,” Mr Verdinnacì said with a thick Italian accent. “Mr Poe got fired from his position after the Baudelaire children went missing. He is now a secretary for someone working somewhere else in the bank. Now what do you need?”
“Were the Baudelaire orphans,” Violet said. “I know we’ve been gone for a year and a half, but we survived on an island for quite some time, and then came back here on a boat.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mr Verdinnacì said. “The Baudelaires are gone. Dead. And last I checked, there were only three of them.”
“This is Beatrice,” Klaus said. “She was born on the island, the child of Kit Snicket.”
“Kit Snicket died a year ago. She drowned.”
“No,” Sunny said. “She died in childbirth.”
“Well,” Mr Verdinnacì said, “even if you are the Baudelaires, then there’s no way you could’ve made it all the way across the ocean.”
“Well, we did,” Violet said. “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Either way,” Mr. Verdinnacì said, “you’re here without a set of parents, meaning that I can do whatever I feel is best for you, so-called Baudelaires. And what I think is best for you at the moment… is a momentary orphanage. Good luck at St. Peter’s, ‘Baudelaires.’”
Ch 3
MEANWHILE AT THE QUAGMIRES…
“Don’t say that!” Fiona said, slapping her hand on the table. “They’re alive, I know it!”
“And how do you plan on proving it to us?” I asked, also slapping my hand on the table.
Yep. You heard that right. It was me speaking.
Me, Carmelita Spats. The one and only.
Yay.
“I just have a feeling!” Fiona said, glaring at me.
“Oh,” I said, sarcastically smiling. “Well, then. I guess all our problems are solved, aren’t they, Fiona.”
Fiona ground her teeth.
“I guess,” I said, “that we can all put off all missions and stop the search for the Baudelaires based on a feeling.”
“Shut it, Carmelita,” Quigley said.
“No one asked for your opinion, Duncan,” I said, spitting at him.
“It’s Quigley,” Quigley said in an angry whisper. “And,” he said louder, “none of us want you here, Carmelita.”
“Quigley, stop,” his sister said to him from beside him. She sounded exasperated. “She’s just—’’
“Just what?” he asked. “Too spoiled for her own good? Cause I agree.”
“Don’t call me spoiled!” I shouted.
“Guys, stop,” Fernald said from behind Fiona. “Fighting isn’t going to get us anywhere. And whether or not the Baudelaires are still alive, they wouldn’t want us fighting.”
“I think they’re still alive,” the real Duncan said. “They wouldn’t just die on us. After all they’ve been through, surely they could survive most scenarios.”
“Key word: most,” I grumbled under my breath.
Let me back up here a little and explain what was going on there.
About two weeks after the Baudelaires disappeared, when VFD was no longer a thing, Quigley Quagmire produced an idea. What if he and his siblings started a new organization, not dedicated to putting out fires, or starting them, but to giving happy endings to orphans, specifically the ones who were orphaned by a fire.
Then he sprouted another idea. The organization could also look for the Baudelaires, whom he missed very much. Once he told these ideas to his siblings, they immediately agreed and brought together all of the surviving VFD volunteers who knew who the Baudelaires were, creating the OAS (Orphan Aid Society). The survivors of VFD include: the Quagmire triplets, Fiona and Fernald, Justice Strauss, Carmelita Spats, Phil, Captain Widdershins, Jerome Squalor, and a few others.
Once the organization was established, the Quagmires started sending everyone off on missions to find the Baudelaires, the Quagmires themselves included. This meeting was the second meeting they had since the organization had started, and everyone was discussing whether or not the Baudelaires were alive.
“Look,” Justice Strauss said in her cheerful voice, “I think that if the Baudelaires are alive or not, we should still look for them.”
“It’s no use looking for people who are dead!” I yelled.
“We have no proof they’re dead!” Isadora yelled at me.
“We have no proof they’re alive either, Isabella!”
“Isadora.” She growled.
“Come on guys,” Fiona said. “We haven’t achieved anything except fighting.”
She turned to Isadora. “Stop, Isadora. You know this isn’t what the Baudelaires would want.”
“I know,” Isadora said, sighing, but the fire remained in her eyes.
The silence that followed was unbearable.
I remember hating it with all my heart and soul. Everyone glared at each other. Since the Hotel Denumont was burned down, since VFD had disbanded, the impact on all of our morality had affected us a great deal. The world had seemed to crumble around us. More orphans. More fires. More secrets. And this silence at the second meeting of OAS was the perfect example of this.
“I think I need some air,” Duncan said, and walked out.
Ch 4
BAUDELAIRES
Meanwhile, the Baudelaires were busy struggling against handcuffs in the back of a police car. After Mr. Verdinnacì smiled when he said to send them off to an orphanage, the Baudelaires were shoved into a police car and started off to the orphanage.
“I don’t think he’s with VFD,” Violet told Klaus.
“Me either,” Klaus said. “He seemed more job-prominent than straight up evil.
“No tattoo," Sunny said.
“What are we supposed to do now?” Klaus asked.
“We could try to escape,” Violet said. “Get out of this car.”
“Where to?” Sunny asked.
“Tumbsabab,” Beatrice said. She meant, “We could go back into the tunnels and hide from the authorities for a while.”
“I guess so, Beatrice,” Violet said.
But none of them liked the idea of living underground, on the run. They wanted to be with friends, but that seemed nearly impossible now. Their friends were obviously dead.
Then it really did hit them. There was no way that the Quagmires were still alive. At all the places they might be, and there was no hope of finding them. The Baudelaires had long ago discovered that hope is a useless thing, as no matter how much you hope, there will always be disappointment. Actually, the more you hope the more disappointed you will be, as you are forming expectations in your mind, and as we all know, expectations are never actually met. Ever.
On this topic, I would like to bring up a quote. This quote is my own, that I have taken to heart, and I desperately hope no one steals it. The quote is
“If you expect disappointment, you’ll never be disappointed.”
-Carmelita Spats
The meaning of this quote is to always expect the worst, because when you expect the worst, you’re gonna have a good outturn of whatever you’re expecting. For example, if you’re expecting the worst and receiving the best, you’re going to be very grateful for receiving something good instead. But if you expect the worst and receive the worst, then you have the satisfaction of expectations half-way concluded.
The Baudelaires will never hear this quote, but I do think that they believe it.
Of course, the Baudelaires did not know that the Quagmires were, in fact, alive, and that they were on the street the Baudelaires were currently driving on. They would soon find out, though.
“I suppose that’s our only choice at this point, isn’t it, Beatrice?” Klaus said, making up his mind after a moment of silence.
“Alright then,” Violet said with a frown. “Let’s break out of this car.”
The Baudelaires had decided to break out a police car and live in hiding. They didn’t know how, but Violet started to try to pull a ribbon out of her pocket, attempting to get it around her head.
This is a very difficult task when you are handcuffed.
It was at this point in time when Violet and the rest of the Baudelaires hit a breath of fresh air.
Not literally.
They were still in the car.
Now, the phrase “breath of fresh air,” means a glimmer of hope in dark times. If you are being pursued by a herd of angry elephants, and see an Elephant-Protection building where th a door open just for you, it would be a breath of fresh air. If you are searching many years for a man who might be able to give you answers and vice versa, and you find a person who knew him and knows where he is currently, that would be a breath of fresh air.
In Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Beatrice's case, a breath of fresh air for them would be a sight that all of them saw on the side of the road. A sight that they thought was dead.
For it was the sight of Duncan Quagmire, looking rustled by the current fight between Isadora and I inside the building beside him.
“Am I the only one who just saw that?” Violet said, dropping her ribbon.
“No,” Sunny said. “Duncan!”
“Duncan indeed,” Klaus said.
“We have to get out of this car,” Violet said, scrambling to pick up her ribbon. “Beatrice, help me get this in my hair.”
Beatrice did so, since she was the only one without handcuffs, and soon Violet had her hair pulled back, and was nearly thinking up a solution.
“Klaus, hand me your glasses,” Violet said.
Klaus gave them to her, and she broke them in half, making Klaus flinch. Soon Violet started jiggling the broken halves of the glasses in her handcuffs, picking the lock on the handcuffs. They fell off. Then Violet moved on to Klaus and Sunny.
Once they were all free, Violet started to saw at the metal cords on the door of the car. She did so for about ten minutes, and then they burst free, leaving the car door perfectly easy to open.
“Everyone grab hands,” Violet said.
“I can’t see,” Klaus said, grabbing Sunny and Violet’s hands.
“On the count of three,” Violet said. “One.”
“Two.” Klaus said.
“Three,” they all said together, opening the car door and tumbling out onto the sidewalk.
They all watched the car drive away with the car door still wide open, (except for Klaus, of course, for he still couldn’t see).
“We made it,” Sunny said.
“Now we have to find Duncan,” Violet said, standing up and dusting herself off, then helping Klaus up, who still couldn’t see.
“I’m grateful that we got out,” Klaus said, “but couldn’t you have used anything except my glasses?”
People walking on the sidewalk sent the Baudelaires questioning looks. There’s nothing like three underaged children jumping out of a moving police car to draw attention.
But the Baudelaires either didn’t notice or didn’t care, because they kept rushing past the people, shoving others down in desperation to get to Duncan Quagmire. Violet seemed especially prudent to get to him and the rest of the Quagmires.
“Duncan!” Violet called.
“Isadora!” Klaus called.
“Quigley!” Sunny called.
“Veeeeffdee!” Beatrice said. (VFD associates is what she meant.)
They kept running, shoving, and calling. One thing they didn’t notice, though, was that the police car driver had turned around (after he closed his car door) and was pursuing the fleeing Baudelaires.
Duncan was almost ready to go back inside and face his sister and I. He closed his eyes and sighed in exasperation.
That was when Violet caught sight of him and started calling his name louder. Unfortunately, that’s also when the driver of the police car caught up to the Baudelaires and got out of his car, starting up after them.
Duncan hadn’t seen the Baudelaires, but he caught sight of the police officer and started running.
“Duncan!” Violet called, threatening to cry.
This time Duncan heard his name and turned (still running) just in time for Violet to slam into him.
“Ow,” Duncan said, rubbing his eyes.
“Violet!” Sunny said, tumbling after her sister, Klaus in hand. (He still had to be led but someone to see, figuratively). Soon they were a pile of children in a wide alleyway.
“Violet!?” Duncan said, his eyes widening. He stood up and helped the Baudelaires to their feet. “Hurry! That police officer is going after all orphans ever since that law that was passed last year.”
“What law?” Klaus said.
“Come on,” Duncan said, starting to pick up pace again down the alleyway. “There’s too much to catch you guys up on. I know of a place we can hide.”
The Baudelaires ran after him (Klaus still holding Beatrice) as he ran down the alleyway and into a door in the side of one of the walls. They all went into the door just as the police officer ran past the alleyway.
Inside the large room the door had created possible fro them to be in, Duncan smiled at Violet. “Good to see you again.”
Violet smiled at him, then looked around at the room.
It looked like a library, but with not that many books. There were some books, but the room was generally small, or medium, or large. Just a slightly bigger room, I suppose, or a smaller ballroom. It was a medium size room. It was a room. Let’s go with that.
There were numbers of various objects on the wall. They all had to do with VFD one way or another. But the thing that awed the Baudelaires the most was the people. Because inside that room was a combination of all the people the Baudelaires lived the most. Quigley and Duncan for Violet, Fiona and Isadora for Klaus, and Justice Strauss and Fernald for Sunny. Beatrice had never met any of these people, so she immediately looked at Captain Widdershinns and me, who had no one looking at us.
“Violet?” Quigley said in awe at her. “Is it really you?”
Ch 5
Now it is at this point where I will make a simile. The Baudelaire’s current situation was like a hill, where they were working to get to the top of the hill, where the metaphorical Quagmires would be, and now that they reached the top, it was time to go downhill again.
Now the phrases, “It’s all down-hill from here”, or “it’s all up-hill from here,” have opposite meanings, the first meaning “it’s all easy from here,” as going down hill is quite easy and going up hill is usually harder. But in the Baudelaire simile that I just made, it is quite the opposite. What I meant was that the Baudelaires’ luck was about to meet it’s downfall again, though not as badly as the last time, instead far less worse and far less misery, that is, for the Baudelaires.
“Quigley!” Violet said, and ran up to him and threw her arms around him.
“Well, that settles it,” I said, just before everyone started reuniting.
It was a happy-ish reunion. I remember it being the worst day of my life, as no one wanted to see me, and I had no one. But I’ll describe it to you anyway.
Fernald came over to hug Sunny and to be introduced to Beatrice, while Justice Strauss squealed in excitement and hugged each of the Baudelaires.
Both Fiona and Isadora said Klaus’s name at the same time and started running toward him in sync as well, before stopping as they stared at each other, realizing, for the first time, what kind of a dilemma they were in after all. Meanwhile, Klaus looked in between both of them, also realizing the problem. Violet just hugged Quigley like nothing else in the world mattered, and Quigley smiled shyly at Duncan, who was watching him.
I’m sad to report what neither Quigley nor Violet knew, and that was that Duncan Quagmire, in his short time with Violet Baudelaire, had fallen and fallen hard for Violet. Violet and Quigley were unaware of this, but I’m sure that if they knew, this file would be a lot more complicated, but thankfully, Duncan, who I think is the kindest and noblest souls out of all of VFD, stepped down for his brother, which I think is harder to do than any fire.
Captain Widdershins went over and stood next to Fiona, asking her to introduce him to Klaus, who was looking frantically at Isadora and Fiona, who were looking at each other in a mix of anger, sadness, and just plain confusion. Once Captain Widdershins took one look at the three, he immediately understood, chuckled, patted Fiona on the shoulder, and walked over to Fernald. Fernald introduced him to Sunny and Beatrice. Justice Strauss walked over to them as well, and got introduced to Beatrice as well.
(Let me remind you not to forget about me. I was still there, I just was sitting on the side, with Jerome Squalor, who was too scared as to what the Baudeliares would say to him, and Phil, who had just come out of the bathroom. Except unlike them, I was glaring at the Baudelaires.)
Once Phil came out of the bathroom, he made a loud, optimistic comment and hugged every person in the room, even the ones who didn’t just show up. Jerome noticed I was standing right next to him, yelped, and rushed off to Klaus.
I don’t want to know how that went.
After about half an hour of this sloppy, mushy reunion, (and in case you were wondering, no, Violet and Quigley did not hug for thirty minutes straight, only like five before they moved on) Justice Strauss called everyone together.
“Everyone, everyone!” Justice Strauss called, clapping her hands and bringing everyone together. “Attention, everyone!”
The chatter died away, all eyes on Justice Strauss (except mine).
“Everyone,” Justice Strauss said, folding her hands and smiling brightly. “Today is a day to rejoice!”
“Or despair,” I muttered.
“The Baudelaires have returned!” Justice Strauss continued, ignoring me. “We thought they were dead, but now they’ve returned, and so we must celebrate!”
“We already did celebrate,” I called out, knowing that if we did celebrate, I would be left out again.
“Yes, but—’’ Justice Strauss said.
“Actually,” Duncan said, “I agree with Carmelita for once.”
“Me too,” Isadora said, trying to hide her grumbling bad mood.
“Ok,” Justice Strauss said. “I guess we won’t celebrate then.”
I smirked. I never got my way with those people.
“But,” Justice Strauss said, “let us exchange stories. You, Baudelaires are probably lacking information. And we don’t know where you’ve been in the last year and a half!”
“Ok,” Violet said, stepping away from Duncan and Quigley. “We’ll go first.”
And so the two groups exchanged stories. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Beatrice told stories of pirates and storms, and of the mysterious island. They told them of how Kit Snicket and Count Olaf died side by side, and of Ishmael and of the apples and the Medusoid Mycylium. They brought out the apples they had salvaged from the island and passed them around, everyone having a bite and becoming immune to the Medusoid Mycelium.
Then, when they were finished, the Baudelaires turned to the Quagmires to share their story.
The Quagmires told them about the OAS and how it was founded. They told them about all the different missions OAS went on, all the different places they’d been. The Baudelaires were surprised that the Quagmires knew this much about all the missions, even though they hadn’t been on eight ninths of them. They were also surprised how dedicated the Quagmires were to finding them. And looking for them for a year! The Baudelaires were surprised that all of OAS hadn’t decided that they were dead, like they were about to before they actually showed up.
Once everyone was done exchanging stories, Justice Strauss clapped her hands, hoping to cause an applause.
She failed.
“Ok,” Justice Strauss said, putting her hands down. “You’ve all had noble adventures,” she said, beaming like always. “I’m sad that this meeting has to come to an end. It’s brought so many good things back into my life. Especially you, Baudelaires.”
They smiled at each other.
“But,” Justice Strauss said, grimacing and then smiling again, “I’m afraid this reunion must come to an end.”
“Finally,” I mumbled.
“So,” Justice Strauss said, smiling sweetly and looking around at everyone. “You may all be dismissed, but remember to leave in parties of two. No more, no less. This is for your own safety!”
Everyone had stood up and was bustling around, trying to head for the exit. In just a few moments, the only ones remaining were the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, Fiona, and Carmelita Spats (me).
“Oh, great,” I said. “Now I’m stuck with a bunch of cakesniffers.”
I am proud to say I only say that word once in this story and that time has passed.
“Where are we?” Violet asked, trying to ignore me.
“My house,” I said, rolling my eyes and stepping toward her in my short heels.
“I thought your house burnt down with your parents inside,” Violet retorted.
As I prepared to make a comeback, Duncan stepped in between the two of us and said to Violet, “This is one of Carmelita’s playhouses. Her parents bought her several, and the others are burned down. Carmelita offered this as a safe place for OAS and VFD.”
“If this is a safe place,” Violet said, “then where did the others go?”
“Other safe places,” Isadora said from beside Duncan and next to Fiona. “Like Justice Strauss’s house, or the underground tunnels, or Uncle Monty’s home, or 667 Dark Avenue, or…basically you get the idea.”
“And why does everyone have to go to those places in pairs?” Violet asked.
“The Orphan Law,” Fiona said with a sigh.
“Last year,” Quigley said, “they passed a law saying that if any child was seen unsupervised, anyone had full authority to take them to the Department of Orphan Affairs immediately, whether the child is an orphan or not. From there, the child will be taken to an orphanage.”
“They’ve built several in town,” Duncan said.
“When a child goes missing,” Quigley said, “the 5parent/guardian can go to the nearest orphanages to find them there.”
There was a pause.
“That’s not a very good law,” Klaus said.
“I know, right?” Isadora said. Fiona glanced at her quickly.
“And,” Fiona said, “to make it worse, all the orphanages were built on burnt down buildings and homes.”
“The snow scout fires,” Violet said.
“Exactly,” Fiona said. “Some of our snow scout recruits and treatments—’’
“Treatments?” Sunny asked.
“That’s what we call the people we are taking care of,” Duncan explained.
“Some of the Snow Scout ones are going to lead an orphan assault.”
“What’s that?” Klaus asked. (Fiona looked quite happy that he had chosen to ask her anything).
“They’re going to disguise themselves as orphans, go into the orphanages, and then break out all the real orphans that want to leave,” Fiona explained. “They’ll take them here, and to other safe places.”
“Speaking of,” Violet said. “Where are me, Klaus, Sunny, and Beatrice going to sleep tonight?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” I said, metaphorically stepping out of the shadows and literally stepping towards the Baudelaires, a sneer on my face. “You all will be sleeping here. In the basement, there are a few rooms. One’s for eating, one’s a hang out room, and then there are the boys’ rooms and the girls’ rooms.”
“Oh,” Violet said, looking a little bit intimidated. “Ok, then. Can you guys give us a tour?”
Ch 6
A few hours later, after the tour, and after some hanging out, everyone got prepared to go to sleep. Everyone was in their rooms, lying in bed, half of them staring at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep. But after the events of the day, even I pondered whether sleep was possible that night.
In the boys room, Klaus and Quigley lay, staring at the ceiling. Duncan had fallen fast asleep.
Klaus was thinking about what he could do with his “situation” with Isadora and Fiona. Normally, he would just think of a book he’d read to help him with something, but this was different.
Girls, he thought. Why’d yall have to be so complicated?
(Believe me, Klaus. I’m asking myself the same question.)
If Klaus had a problem that a book couldn’t solve, usually Violet had a special invention that could get him out of that problem stat. But this time, an invention couldn’t solve his problem either.
But Klaus figured Violet could probably help him anyway. She was a girl, after all. Maybe she understood this stuff!
He decided to ask about it tomorrow, when neither Fiona nor Isadora was anywhere near the conversation. Klaus closed his eyes, trying to convince himself that his problem was solved. Quigley, who had a bunk above him, didn’t have a problem, however. He just couldn’t sleep.
Quigley was still in shock that the Baudelaires had turned up. No matter how much he told people that he thought the Baudelaires were still alive, he always thought they were dead, and he didn’t know why he was still looking for them.
And then they actually showed up. And nothing can describe how Quigley felt in that moment. He felt like he had finally found what he was living for. He was so happy that Violet was there! He was also grateful that her siblings were there as well, but he simply couldn’t contain his joy at her arrival!
And in the girls’ room, Violet, Isadora, Fiona, and I were also staring at the ceiling. Not me and Fiona, though, so basically just Violet and Fiona. The babies were put in a separate, smaller room, seeing as they couldn’t sleep in bunks, and also there was no more space in the dorm.
“Violet,” Isadora whispered. “Are you awake?”
There was silence.
“Yes,” Violet said. “What’s on your mind?”
“Is Fiona asleep?"
“Fast.”
“Ok,” Isadora said, sighing. “Do you ever have boy problems, Violet?”
“Just a few,” Violet said, grimacing. “Me and Quigley are constantly separated, and—’’
“So you do like my brother.”
Isadora couldn’t see her, but she had a feeling Violet was blushing deeply.
At that moment, Isadora had the opportunity to tell Violet something. She could’ve told her about all the times Duncan talked about Violet, how much he liked her. But Isadora thought that Violet already knew that. Now Violet would never know, and she would be breaking Duncan’s heart every day.
“I—“ Violet stuttered. “It’s just—I, um…—well—’’
“It’s ok,” Isadora said, chuckling a little bit. “I guess we both like each other’s brothers.”
Violet raised her eyebrows. “Klaus?”
Now it was Isadora’s turn to blush. “Maybe.”
“Looks like you have a bit of a dilemma, then?”
“It’s just…” Violet could almost feel Isadora’s struggle for words.
“Fiona’s just so much better than me, ya know?” Isadora said. “She’s so much prettier, and mushrooms is a much more interesting topic to be interested in than poems.”
“You met Klaus first,” Violet pointed out.
“Yes, but—’’
“Just try to sleep, Isadora,” Violet said. “Maybe a miracle will come in the morning.”
But that’s the funny thing about miracles. They never work on a schedule.
THE END (OF THE BEGINNING)
P. S.
Just in case you were wondering, Klaus got a new pair of glasses moments within the reunion. That’s how he could see.
Dear Editor,
This is the beginning of the end of the Baudelaires’ story. The beginning of the end starts at the end of the beginning of the end. The middle of the end can be found in the garage of 8901 Lousy Lane, a file I call THE MIDDLE.
Tell Lemony I said hi.
All due respect,
Carmelita Spats
